The Imposter

A black cat was sitting on a mat. Up in the sky fluffy clouds drifted by, causing the cat to reflect on the meaning of his life. His paws felt strange. It was as if they were hanging off him like linen hangs off a washing line. He licked them discerningly, for he was a clean cat.

An enticing smell drifted by his nostrils and his deep eyes lit up. He knew that wholesome smell anywhere. It was the earthy scent of a female. He got up onto all four paws and tracked it down the carpeted corridor, out of his cat flap, and onto the mucky street where a myriad of other stinks, perfumes and whiffs abounded. Unflummoxed, he trotted on his way in the promising direction.

Wayne-san

England’s World Cup hopes are in tatters this afternoon after it emerged that the FA mistakenly employed Gizmo’s shopkeeper instead of Mr. Miyagi to assist with Rooney’s fitness preparation.

The FA had secret plans to smuggle Mr. Miyagi in to the country to administer some ancient Chinese remedy to Rooney’s foot, rendering it instantly playable, but they got the wrong man.

An FA spokesman said this afternoon, “The shopkeeper, unknown to us, brought Gizmo with him and somebody must have fed him after midnight. Paramedics are at the scene of the massacre now. By the looks of things Owen and Neville were strapped to stair-lifts and catapulted at pace through windows and Ferdinand, Crouch and Beckham were wrapped in toilet roll and then egged. We fear the worst for these five players.”

Theories are already springing up amongst commentators about how the mogwai was allowed to eat after midnight. John Motson speculated, “I imagine Rio got confused with the big hand and the little hand and thought it was five past eleven when it was actually five to one.”

But Clive Tyldesley disagreed, “I disagree, I bet half the players’ wives and girl-friends are bulimic. One of them must have puked in to its cage, thinking it was a bin.”

Sepp Blatter said yesterday, “We are sorry for England’s loss but fictional characters are prevented from assisting with a player’s fitness preparation in any case under law 41B, statute 3, paragraph 9, article 7b, sentence 6 of the FIFA law book.”

An artist's rendition of a plumber

Police find link between skilled workers and serious crime.

This week Kazi Nurur Rahman, a plumber from London, was arrested under the Terrorism Act for possessing an Uzi sub-machine gun and 3,000 rounds.

But this has only been the most recent arrest in a trend that dates back to as early as 2002.

A joiner from Hounslow was jailed in February this year for being a warlord in Iraq on weekends when his wife let him out. An electrician was also jailed in 2003 for masterminding the theft of four nuclear warheads from his semi-detached house in Trilby-on-Sea and a painter and decorator from Chichester has been on the run since 2002 for hacking into the secret files of the CIA.

PC Arnold von Strawberry commented yesterday, “We are going to keep an eye on all skilled workers until we discover whether there is an actual link or whether it’s just coincidence.”

Some critics believe the parameters are too narrow. Sybil Blefferty, a Liberal Democrat MP, opined, “I think the Police should widen their search to other jobs such as shop-keepers, librarians and dog-walkers.”

Gays celebrating the new law yesterday

Gay funerals become legal in the UK.

The new law, which will come in to practice on 19th December in England and Wales and on 20th December in Northern Ireland and Scotland, will put many gay minds at rest.

Geoffrey Squiggie, a retired hair-dresser from Hull, said from his death bed, “Oooh, darling. I am so happy that I don’t have to die a lie. Now I feel I can slip away peacefully.”

Julian “Horse” Horris already knows what he wants on his gravestone, “Nothing fancy for me, just: Julian Horris – a dead gay.”

The new law will mean that the deceased can be buried in a pink coffin. Homosexual innuendo epitaphs will also be allowed. At cremations, as well as the reading of “Ashes to Ashes” from the Book of Common Prayer, gays will have the option of playing David Bowie’s hit song of the same name.

Campaigners believe that gay funerals will bring colour to what is normally a drab affair.

Happy shopper - one of the few American gamers to get his hands on a life

Microsoft confesses that it has not supplied outlets with enough lives to meet demand.

Teenagers, pot-heads and out-of-work men are already waiting in queues all over Britain for the launch of the product at midnight tonight.

Timmy Titt, a twenty-seven-year old video shop assistant, complained from his place in the queue, “I am very, very disappointed. I really need to get a life and now I won’t be able to get one for ages. I blame Bill Gates.”

Jeanette Lampoon, a spokeswoman from Woolworth’s, said in a statement, “We are cross with Microsoft. They should have anticipated this sort of demand. All of the best lives have been pre-sold: the ones with jobs, girlfriends and friends. However there are still one or two quite nice ones left for the shelves. Ones where you can at least move out of your parents house and take up a hobby.”

Terrence Waste, the sales manager from HMV, echoed Jeanette’s words, “Most people will leave here empty-handed. But at least they have the consolation of being able to having a wank when they get back home.”

Larry Piffle, a spindly, spotty youth from Hull, told The Imposter, “I feel like Dr Carmichael at the end of Doom Three when he’s faced with the Zitrion tribesmen from planet Zoopex. I’ve just got to think like him. Not literally start shooting zombies. I’m speaking metaphorically. But –”

Mosley Farnsworth, a thirty-three-year old still living with his parents, could not hide his disappointment, “When things are difficult in gaming, you find a cheat. I just wish there was a cheat for real life.”

Chip Beeswax, a spokesman for Microsoft, argued, “We did not realise quite how many sad people there were in the UK.”

Archbishop Sentamu dances with the cast of The Lion King at York minster

The cast of The Lion King almost ruined John Sentamu’s instillation last night as the new Archbishop of York.

Sentamu, Great Britain’s first black Archbishop, was shocked to see a troupe of people dressed as leopards, ostriches and elephants enter the church just as he was finishing a rousing speech to a packed congregation.

Fortunately, the service did not come to a halt because everyone assumed that the actors were part of the service.

Rigobert Dogg, who plays the back end of an elephant in the West-End hit, laughed, “We had just walked out of the theatre into the open air after taking our final bows. One of the hippopotami thought that he knew a shortcut to the changing rooms but he took a wrong turn and led us into the church instead. I don’t know why we all followed him. Herd mentality, I suppose.”

Mr Dogg continued, “After the Archbishop’s speech there was an awkward few seconds but Simba saved the day by telling the chimpanzees to start beating their drums and we all sung ‘Can you feel the love tonight?’, which went down a storm. After that we did another five numbers. The congregation were amazing.”

Paolo Brolliandawelli, a merchant from Venice over here for the inauguration, told The Imposter later, “The whole-ah thing-ah seemed-ah planned-ah. I-ah thought-ah the animals were-ah meant to represent-ah his-ah home-ah-land-ah.”

The Archbishop said afterwards, “Thank Gawd the cast reacted quickly. If they had stalled a few more seconds it could have gone belly-up.”

Age/Usefulness pie chart

Employers worry that sixty-eight year olds are too old to work effectively.

Jeff Quilt, an employer from Hounslow, choreographed yesterday, “I think retiring at 68 is too old. People that age have already started to go a bit gaga. But 67 is too young. Maybe somewhere in the middle would work, say 67 and 6 months.”

Others disagreed. Joan Southampton, a goose supplier from Dagenham, dilated, “67 and a half is neither one nor the other. I think the retirement age should be 67 and 1 month or 67 and 11 months.”

Bernie Thoroughfare, an owner of a factory that adds seeds to strawberry jam, coughed, “I think everyone should retire the day before their 68th birthday, then at least they’d be able to spend that day with their loved ones, if they have any.”

Digby McPardon, a grease stuffer from Lipton-on-Ice, slammed, “I think people should retire at fifty four and three hours.”

Methane - probably everywhere

Tony Blair announces plans to cut methane emissions by 10% by 2012.

The plans come after the publication of a scientific report on Greenhouse Gases which names methane as a most harmful emission.

The Prime Minister said in his speech from the CBI Conference yesterday, “Global Warming is a serious issue and some radical plans are necessary to keep methane out of the atmosphere.”

“Canisters would be provided to every home and public place where people could dispose of their gaseous waste cleanly and efficiently without any damage to the environment. I want to create a society where it is acceptable to fart into canisters in public without fear of recrimination.” He continued, “Methane’s half-life is a mere ten years. During this short time the canisters would be stored in a safe place under tight security.”

But Green activists are not happy with the plans. Badger Tiffy said angrily from his home up a tree, “The dumps would be obvious targets for terrorists. Just one lit match could do untold damage. What’s more, the half-life of methane is hugely variable. Tara Palmer Tomkinson’s flatulence is far safer than, say, John Prescott’s, whose emissions have a half-life of well over 3 million years.”

Ian Duncan Smith MP giving Michael Howard MP a leg up yesterday

Past Conservative leaders find new way of getting to Prime Minister.

It emerged last night that the supposed Greenpeace hecklers were in actual fact William Hague, Ian Duncan Smith and Michael Howard. The men were recorded plotting by security cameras just moments before lowering themselves from the roof of the hall where Tony Blair was giving his speech on Britain’s energy needs.

The film shows them preparing stink bombs and writing mocking rhymes aimed at Mr. Blair.

A spokesman for the three men said yesterday in a statement that they were “very sorry” and that they “promise never to do it again.” Their wives supported them by declaring in a joint statement: “They are good boys really”.

Cherrie Blair, who had what looked like a stain on her shoulder, retorted, “They are just jealous because he’s beaten all three of them in General Elections. They're bad losers, the lot of them.”

A naked soldier with his clothes on

A new commando has been created that carries out missions in the nude.

The new Starkers Commando has been found to be most effective in its recent campaigns.

Major Ronald McBurger-King explained yesterday, “Our funding was cut back in the recent Budget, making it impossible for us to buy bullets. So I came up with the idea of saving money on kit to afford them. We thought it might cause a few problems, but in actual fact the new look has greatly improved performance.”

In a recent raid in Fallujah, the new commando successfully neutralised fifteen insurgents without loss of life on either side.

Private Melvin Turquoise stated, “It’s funny. Contrary to what you might think, morale is extremely high with the lads. Willies can make some interesting shapes when moving at pace. The only downside is when the helmet gets caught on some brambles or something.”

Ministers are considering introducing the policy to the rest of the British Army.