What all women look like after a few hours of non-stop boozing

English binge drinkers look forward to a more stylish, continental lifestyle.

New drinking laws will enable pubs to stay open for 24 hours a day. Charles Clarke claimed in a statement yesterday, "Adults can be trusted to drink responsibly. 24 hour drinking will change lives for the better."

Jeanette Piffle, a single mother of four from Newcastle, praised the new law, “Ah’m fookin’ lookin’ forward t’ drinkin’ all night cos then ah won’t ’ave to go ’ome to the worbairns, like. Gerrem in, aaarrrgggghh!’

Steve Pimple, a football supporter from Liverpool with a tattoo of “EVERTON IS C**TS” on his forehead, enthused, “I can’t wait fer de new law, cos when those Everton filth drink all night and pass out, it’ll be a lot easier to kick ‘em repeatedly in the ’ead.”

But David Davis, the conservative home secretary, fumed, “ British values are being eroded away to Europe every day. If I was Prime Minister I wouldn’t allow any drinking of any sort of liquid after 11, not even water.”