Wayne-san
England’s World Cup hopes are in tatters this afternoon after it emerged that the FA mistakenly employed Gizmo’s shopkeeper instead of Mr. Miyagi to assist with Rooney’s fitness preparation.
The FA had secret plans to smuggle Mr. Miyagi in to the country to administer some ancient Chinese remedy to Rooney’s foot, rendering it instantly playable, but they got the wrong man.
An FA spokesman said this afternoon, “The shopkeeper, unknown to us, brought Gizmo with him and somebody must have fed him after midnight. Paramedics are at the scene of the massacre now. By the looks of things Owen and Neville were strapped to stair-lifts and catapulted at pace through windows and Ferdinand, Crouch and Beckham were wrapped in toilet roll and then egged. We fear the worst for these five players.”
Theories are already springing up amongst commentators about how the mogwai was allowed to eat after midnight. John Motson speculated, “I imagine Rio got confused with the big hand and the little hand and thought it was five past eleven when it was actually five to one.”
But Clive Tyldesley disagreed, “I disagree, I bet half the players’ wives and girl-friends are bulimic. One of them must have puked in to its cage, thinking it was a bin.”
Sepp Blatter said yesterday, “We are sorry for England’s loss but fictional characters are prevented from assisting with a player’s fitness preparation in any case under law 41B, statute 3, paragraph 9, article 7b, sentence 6 of the FIFA law book.”