tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2009-11-11:/A satirical rag that tries to be something it isn'tMokoFeed2009-11-11T04:09:54+01:00tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2006-12-29:/2006/12/29/cat~1489479/theimposter2006-12-29T03:59:18+01:002006-12-29T03:59:18+01:00 <p>A black cat was sitting on a mat. Up in the sky fluffy clouds drifted by, causing the cat to reflect on the meaning of his life. His paws felt strange. It was as if they were hanging off him like linen hangs off a washing line. He licked them discerningly, for he was a clean cat.</p> <p>An enticing smell drifted by his nostrils and his deep eyes lit up. He knew that wholesome smell anywhere. It was the earthy scent of a female. He got up onto all four paws and tracked it down the carpeted corridor, out of his cat flap, and onto the mucky street where a myriad of other stinks, perfumes and whiffs abounded. Unflummoxed, he trotted on his way in the promising direction. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2006/12/29/cat~1489479/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2006-06-06:/2006/06/06/wayne_s_on_wayne_s_off_wayne_s_on_wayne_~858233/theimposter2006-06-06T17:46:44+02:002006-06-06T17:46:44+02:00 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=599762"><img src="http://data1.blog.de/media/762/599762_332c45a6e6_s.jpeg" align="" alt="Wayne Rooney" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> Wayne-san</p> <p>England’s World Cup hopes are in tatters this afternoon after it emerged that the FA mistakenly employed Gizmo’s shopkeeper instead of Mr. Miyagi to assist with Rooney’s fitness preparation.</p> <p>The FA had secret plans to smuggle Mr. Miyagi in to the country to administer some ancient Chinese remedy to Rooney’s foot, rendering it instantly playable, but they got the wrong man. </p> <p>An FA spokesman said this afternoon, “The shopkeeper, unknown to us, brought Gizmo with him and somebody must have fed him after midnight. Paramedics are at the scene of the massacre now. By the looks of things Owen and Neville were strapped to stair-lifts and catapulted at pace through windows and Ferdinand, Crouch and Beckham were wrapped in toilet roll and then egged. We fear the worst for these five players.”</p> <p>Theories are already springing up amongst commentators about how the mogwai was allowed to eat after midnight. John Motson speculated, “I imagine Rio got confused with the big hand and the little hand and thought it was five past eleven when it was actually five to one.”</p> <p>But Clive Tyldesley disagreed, “I disagree, I bet half the players’ wives and girl-friends are bulimic. One of them must have puked in to its cage, thinking it was a bin.”</p> <p>Sepp Blatter said yesterday, “We are sorry for England’s loss but fictional characters are prevented from assisting with a player’s fitness preparation in any case under law 41B, statute 3, paragraph 9, article 7b, sentence 6 of the FIFA law book.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2006/06/06/wayne_s_on_wayne_s_off_wayne_s_on_wayne_~858233/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/the_unlikely_face_of_crime~362591/theimposter2005-12-05T17:02:58+01:002005-12-05T22:44:11+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/plumber-20blue-20shirt-202[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> An artist's rendition of a plumber</p> <p>Police find link between skilled workers and serious crime.</p> <p>This week Kazi Nurur Rahman, a plumber from London, was arrested under the Terrorism Act for possessing an Uzi sub-machine gun and 3,000 rounds.</p> <p>But this has only been the most recent arrest in a trend that dates back to as early as 2002.</p> <p>A joiner from Hounslow was jailed in February this year for being a warlord in Iraq on weekends when his wife let him out. An electrician was also jailed in 2003 for masterminding the theft of four nuclear warheads from his semi-detached house in Trilby-on-Sea and a painter and decorator from Chichester has been on the run since 2002 for hacking into the secret files of the CIA.</p> <p>PC Arnold von Strawberry commented yesterday, “We are going to keep an eye on all skilled workers until we discover whether there is an actual link or whether it’s just coincidence.”</p> <p>Some critics believe the parameters are too narrow. Sybil Blefferty, a Liberal Democrat MP, opined, “I think the Police should widen their search to other jobs such as shop-keepers, librarians and dog-walkers.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/the_unlikely_face_of_crime~362591/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/dead_gays_can_rest_in_pink~362281/theimposter2005-12-05T15:16:37+01:002005-12-05T15:16:37+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/gay550x361[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/gay550x361[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Gays celebrating the new law yesterday</p> <p>Gay funerals become legal in the UK.</p> <p>The new law, which will come in to practice on 19th December in England and Wales and on 20th December in Northern Ireland and Scotland, will put many gay minds at rest.</p> <p>Geoffrey Squiggie, a retired hair-dresser from Hull, said from his death bed, “Oooh, darling. I am so happy that I don’t have to die a lie. Now I feel I can slip away peacefully.” </p> <p>Julian “Horse” Horris already knows what he wants on his gravestone, “Nothing fancy for me, just: Julian Horris – a dead gay.”</p> <p>The new law will mean that the deceased can be buried in a pink coffin. Homosexual innuendo epitaphs will also be allowed. At cremations, as well as the reading of “Ashes to Ashes” from the Book of Common Prayer, gays will have the option of playing David Bowie’s hit song of the same name.</p> <p>Campaigners believe that gay funerals will bring colour to what is normally a drab affair.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/dead_gays_can_rest_in_pink~362281/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/most_gamers_won_t_get_a_life~353256/theimposter2005-12-01T20:57:03+01:002005-12-01T20:57:03+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/0--245611-00[1]_01.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Happy shopper - one of the few American gamers to get his hands on a life</p> <p>Microsoft confesses that it has not supplied outlets with enough lives to meet demand.</p> <p>Teenagers, pot-heads and out-of-work men are already waiting in queues all over Britain for the launch of the product at midnight tonight.</p> <p>Timmy Titt, a twenty-seven-year old video shop assistant, complained from his place in the queue, “I am very, very disappointed. I really need to get a life and now I won’t be able to get one for ages. I blame Bill Gates.”</p> <p>Jeanette Lampoon, a spokeswoman from Woolworth’s, said in a statement, “We are cross with Microsoft. They should have anticipated this sort of demand. All of the best lives have been pre-sold: the ones with jobs, girlfriends and friends. However there are still one or two quite nice ones left for the shelves. Ones where you can at least move out of your parents house and take up a hobby.”</p> <p>Terrence Waste, the sales manager from HMV, echoed Jeanette’s words, “Most people will leave here empty-handed. But at least they have the consolation of being able to having a wank when they get back home.”</p> <p>Larry Piffle, a spindly, spotty youth from Hull, told The Imposter, “I feel like Dr Carmichael at the end of Doom Three when he’s faced with the Zitrion tribesmen from planet Zoopex. I’ve just got to think like him. Not literally start shooting zombies. I’m speaking metaphorically. But –”</p> <p>Mosley Farnsworth, a thirty-three-year old still living with his parents, could not hide his disappointment, “When things are difficult in gaming, you find a cheat. I just wish there was a cheat for real life.”</p> <p>Chip Beeswax, a spokesman for Microsoft, argued, “We did not realise quite how many sad people there were in the UK.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/most_gamers_won_t_get_a_life~353256/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/sentamu_felt_the_luck_last_night~352132/theimposter2005-12-01T14:26:26+01:002005-12-01T15:16:23+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/_41075516_dance416[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/_41075516_dance416[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Archbishop Sentamu dances with the cast of The Lion King at York minster</p> <p>The cast of The Lion King almost ruined John Sentamu’s instillation last night as the new Archbishop of York.</p> <p>Sentamu, Great Britain’s first black Archbishop, was shocked to see a troupe of people dressed as leopards, ostriches and elephants enter the church just as he was finishing a rousing speech to a packed congregation.</p> <p>Fortunately, the service did not come to a halt because everyone assumed that the actors were part of the service. </p> <p>Rigobert Dogg, who plays the back end of an elephant in the West-End hit, laughed, “We had just walked out of the theatre into the open air after taking our final bows. One of the hippopotami thought that he knew a shortcut to the changing rooms but he took a wrong turn and led us into the church instead. I don’t know why we all followed him. Herd mentality, I suppose.”</p> <p>Mr Dogg continued, “After the Archbishop’s speech there was an awkward few seconds but Simba saved the day by telling the chimpanzees to start beating their drums and we all sung ‘Can you feel the love tonight?’, which went down a storm. After that we did another five numbers. The congregation were amazing.”</p> <p>Paolo Brolliandawelli, a merchant from Venice over here for the inauguration, told The Imposter later, “The whole-ah thing-ah seemed-ah planned-ah. I-ah thought-ah the animals were-ah meant to represent-ah his-ah home-ah-land-ah.”</p> <p>The Archbishop said afterwards, “Thank Gawd the cast reacted quickly. If they had stalled a few more seconds it could have gone belly-up.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/sentamu_felt_the_luck_last_night~352132/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-30:/2005/11/30/over_the_hill_at_67_years_4_months_3_day~349817/theimposter2005-11-30T17:03:22+01:002005-11-30T17:03:22+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/pie-20chart[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/pie-20chart[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Age/Usefulness pie chart</p> <p>Employers worry that sixty-eight year olds are too old to work effectively.</p> <p>Jeff Quilt, an employer from Hounslow, choreographed yesterday, “I think retiring at 68 is too old. People that age have already started to go a bit gaga. But 67 is too young. Maybe somewhere in the middle would work, say 67 and 6 months.”</p> <p>Others disagreed. Joan Southampton, a goose supplier from Dagenham, dilated, “67 and a half is neither one nor the other. I think the retirement age should be 67 and 1 month or 67 and 11 months.”</p> <p>Bernie Thoroughfare, an owner of a factory that adds seeds to strawberry jam, coughed, “I think everyone should retire the day before their 68th birthday, then at least they’d be able to spend that day with their loved ones, if they have any.”</p> <p>Digby McPardon, a grease stuffer from Lipton-on-Ice, slammed, “I think people should retire at fifty four and three hours.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/over_the_hill_at_67_years_4_months_3_day~349817/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/farting_harmful_to_the_planet~346820/theimposter2005-11-29T14:31:18+01:002005-11-29T14:31:18+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/General-20picture-20of-20crowd-202[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/General-20picture-20of-20crowd-202[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Methane - probably everywhere</p> <p>Tony Blair announces plans to cut methane emissions by 10% by 2012.</p> <p>The plans come after the publication of a scientific report on Greenhouse Gases which names methane as a most harmful emission.</p> <p>The Prime Minister said in his speech from the CBI Conference yesterday, “Global Warming is a serious issue and some radical plans are necessary to keep methane out of the atmosphere.”</p> <p>“Canisters would be provided to every home and public place where people could dispose of their gaseous waste cleanly and efficiently without any damage to the environment. I want to create a society where it is acceptable to fart into canisters in public without fear of recrimination.” He continued, “Methane’s half-life is a mere ten years. During this short time the canisters would be stored in a safe place under tight security.”</p> <p>But Green activists are not happy with the plans. Badger Tiffy said angrily from his home up a tree, “The dumps would be obvious targets for terrorists. Just one lit match could do untold damage. What’s more, the half-life of methane is hugely variable. Tara Palmer Tomkinson’s flatulence is far safer than, say, John Prescott’s, whose emissions have a half-life of well over 3 million years.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/farting_harmful_to_the_planet~346820/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/past_tory_leaders_take_the_greenpeace_ou~346640/theimposter2005-11-29T13:24:24+01:002005-11-29T13:24:24+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/climbing[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Ian Duncan Smith MP giving Michael Howard MP a leg up yesterday</p> <p>Past Conservative leaders find new way of getting to Prime Minister.</p> <p>It emerged last night that the supposed Greenpeace hecklers were in actual fact William Hague, Ian Duncan Smith and Michael Howard. The men were recorded plotting by security cameras just moments before lowering themselves from the roof of the hall where Tony Blair was giving his speech on Britain’s energy needs.</p> <p>The film shows them preparing stink bombs and writing mocking rhymes aimed at Mr. Blair.</p> <p>A spokesman for the three men said yesterday in a statement that they were “very sorry” and that they “promise never to do it again.” Their wives supported them by declaring in a joint statement: “They are good boys really”.</p> <p>Cherrie Blair, who had what looked like a stain on her shoulder, retorted, “They are just jealous because he’s beaten all three of them in General Elections. They're bad losers, the lot of them.” </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/past_tory_leaders_take_the_greenpeace_ou~346640/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/army_bosses_tell_soldiers_show_you_priva~344670/theimposter2005-11-28T18:12:18+01:002005-11-28T18:34:27+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/vert.basra.tuesday.ap[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> A naked soldier with his clothes on</p> <p>A new commando has been created that carries out missions in the nude. </p> <p>The new Starkers Commando has been found to be most effective in its recent campaigns.</p> <p>Major Ronald McBurger-King explained yesterday, “Our funding was cut back in the recent Budget, making it impossible for us to buy bullets. So I came up with the idea of saving money on kit to afford them. We thought it might cause a few problems, but in actual fact the new look has greatly improved performance.”</p> <p>In a recent raid in Fallujah, the new commando successfully neutralised fifteen insurgents without loss of life on either side.</p> <p>Private Melvin Turquoise stated, “It’s funny. Contrary to what you might think, morale is extremely high with the lads. Willies can make some interesting shapes when moving at pace. The only downside is when the helmet gets caught on some brambles or something.”</p> <p>Ministers are considering introducing the policy to the rest of the British Army.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/army_bosses_tell_soldiers_show_you_priva~344670/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/opinion~337332/theimposter2005-11-25T19:14:15+01:002005-11-25T19:14:15+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/fortune-teller[1]_02.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/fortune-teller[1]_02_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> by Brunehilda Puddleduck</p> <p>I have something to say. You won’t like it but I’ll say it anyway. It’s about love. Love for another human being can be bad sometimes. There, now I’ve said it! I know, readers, it is not like me to say such cruel things about something so positive and so pure. But listen to my story and perhaps you shall be able to forgive me.</p> <p>It all happened when I was sitting on the corner of my bed with the Sun resting her head on my shoulder. The day was more beautiful than a Unicorn, I was reading silent teachings to myself and touching the everlasting presence of life when I heard the terrible, terrible news that a little girl, of human flesh and blood, had been raped by a bouncer. And I cried. I cried and I cried. Do you know why I cried? I imagined the pain that the little girl went through. I felt it right the way down to my womb where one day I will grow some little pixies of my own. I did not only cry for her, I also cried for the poor wretch who entered her vaginal walls. I cried because I knew, I knew in my heart that he had been lead by his tom-tom into committing this lewd act. Did he ask Destiny to be attached to the dangerous torch of the dark side, which promises satisfaction but in actual fact leads men down the corridor of doom? My tears for this poor boy were more heart felt and saltier than even those for my sister. Do you know why I cried so? It was because of Love, my deep love for humanity. It was due to my overwhelming kindness that I belly-flopped into the deep waters of despair. Now I hope you can understand why I swore so viciously at the beginning of this article. Love had made me suffer so.</p> <p>At least she got some, though. I’ve been down the Magpie and Stump most evenings in the last few months and haven’t even had as much as a blowjob. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/opinion~337332/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/state_schools_unfair_to_toffs~336506/theimposter2005-11-25T13:58:01+01:002005-11-27T20:40:41+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/jun24eton[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/jun24eton[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Etonians - some of these boys may be exceptionally dim</p> <p>Study shows private school students in a bad light.</p> <p>A recent report has shown that independent schools offer a higher standard of education than state schools.</p> <p>David Jesson, an education evaluator based in York University, writes, “A C grade student from a a state school would get an A at an independent school. It follows therefore that a student with an E from an independent school would achieve a G at a state school. And as G’s don’t even exist, E grade students must be phenomenally thick.”</p> <p>Some educationists believe that these low-achievers are “worth less than zero” since an examination paper without any correct answers would be awarded an E.</p> <p>Philosopher Randolph Scaramacci mused, “We are looking very hard at the question as to whether these students really actually do exist at all in real terms. Inconfundibly, they do exist, per say sic at nihilundum, in the independent school sphere, yet existence on the whole is a turnip.” </p> <p>The report also concludes that Prince Harry’s D at A level equates to a Z in state schools.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/state_schools_unfair_to_toffs~336506/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/evans_agrees_with_evans~335021/theimposter2005-11-24T20:53:59+01:002005-11-25T18:47:45+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/Chris-Evans-271[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Evans - not a pretty sight</p> <p>Chris Evans lets slip his courting secrets to the world.</p> <p>During an interview with The Imposter, the ginger-haired empresario commented on Mr Justice Roderick Evans’ ruling yesterday that binge-drinking women could not claim rape.</p> <p>The television and radio mogul fumed, “Of course you wait for the girl to be unconscious. I would still be a virgin otherwise.”</p> <p>This will not come as a shock to most people. Despite rumours of Chris Evans being a serial womaniser, noone could believe that his 80 million pound empire was enough to lure a person of the female genderisation into having sexual intercourse with him.</p> <p>Billie Piper supported his comments. “It’s true. Even I have always found him physically repulsive. When we were together he would have to lace me with half a bottle of vodka just so I’d get into bed with him. That was how I got through the ordeal.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/evans_agrees_with_evans~335021/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-23:/2005/11/23/opinion~331499/theimposter2005-11-23T16:03:52+01:002005-11-23T16:03:52+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/Nigel-20Fullwood[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> By Brian Turbulence</p> <p>It’s been a long week. That it has, that it has. It rained on Tuesday. Just for a bit, mind. But it definitely rained. Storm clouds were brewing that day. I knew storm clouds were brewing before I even looked out of the window. Birtwhistle had the moans. That he did. He had them bad. He only gets them bad when storm clouds are brewing. But the clouds left almost as soon as they appeared. It was exciting, that was. The sudden change like that. </p> <p>The damp was no good for the nails in my drawers. No good, no good at all. They have been rusty now for nigh on three years. They’ve gone brown in parts and are on their last legs. I think I may even have to buy a new chest of drawers, from Simpson’s in town. The same as my one now, mind. I like my one now. It’s nice. Maybe I’ll do that Monday. Or possibly even Wednesday next week. Depends on how the mood takes me.</p> <p>I see that those poor Chinese people from Harbin don’t have any drinking water. Oh dear, oh dear. An explosion in a petrochemical plant upstream they say. I can’t imagine life without water. I need it for showering. I wash myself every morning for five minutes. On Sundays I have a bath, only half full mind. This coming Sunday I’m going to have it quarter full to show some respect for our Chinese friends. I need water to drink tea. I boil the water and then pour it into a teapot. I put a tea bag in as well. I also use water to wash my hands. My hands get grimy, you see. Sometimes the dirt goes into funny swirling shapes on my hands. It’s funny, that. When that happens. I use water for a lot more things but I won’t go on. I don’t want to bore you.</p> <p>Those Chinese folk could drink their own urine if it gets really bad. I know some people do it. Some people drink their own urine. If the mood takes them. If times are tight. Some stories have been told to me of people trapped in dark caves for nigh on a week and they have had to drink their own urine. It’s easier for the Chinese in Harbin, of course, because they’re in their homes where they can get their cups out of the kitchen to drink the urine from. Those chaps in the caves must have trouble drinking their morning wine without cups. Oh, they must. My urine is a sort of light yellow colour, almost white. It is the same colour as the Sun reflecting off white wallpaper in the winter. White wallpaper. Not cream or anything else. White. I don’t think anyone would ever eat their own faeces, even if they were starving. It would be plain disgusting. A lot worse than drinking your own urine.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/opinion~331499/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-22:/2005/11/22/delia_s_guide_to_home_vaccination~328855/theimposter2005-11-22T16:16:17+01:002005-11-22T17:26:59+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/ppic_S03177[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Delia Smith bringing some deoxyribonil silicone sulphate solution to the boil</p> <p>Delia Smith has come to the aid of thousands of potential flu sufferers.</p> <p>The TV cook has turned her skills to helping those most at risk from influenza this winter. She has filmed a one-off show that will be aired next week in which she takes people at home through the ins and outs of vaccine preparation. </p> <p>She said yesterday after filming, “I want to dispel the myths that surround medicinal chemistry. If you follow my few simple steps then you will be inoculated in no time.”</p> <p>Other Television chefs were quick to follow suit. Ainsley Harriet camped up yesterday, “OOOh, yes. You have to shake the H3N2 strain virus. Really shake it, ooh yes. Really let go of your inhibitions. But remember, you haven’t got long before your time is up. Ha Ha Ha! Oh, I’m all a flutter. What fun, what fun.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/22/delia_s_guide_to_home_vaccination~328855/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-22:/2005/11/22/opinion~328604/theimposter2005-11-22T14:40:43+01:002005-11-22T14:40:43+01:00 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/top_hat[1].jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/top_hat[1]_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Sir Bernard Forsquith-Montague, all round cad and shagger of the stars has been given a page of the Imposter just to vent his feelings on a weekly basis. </p> <p>Woof and how’s that? Lock up your daughters! And your sons for that matter. Well basically folks, I haven’t had a shag for three days. I saw on the box last night that Prince Albert shagged boys. Well raa bloody socks to him, that’s nothing new, I’ve been doing that since he was a little turnip running around naked in the mud. He can stick that up his right royal bottom and enjoy it. But, as I was saying until Mr. Blue Blood so rudely interrupted me, I haven’t had a shag for three days. So if any of you tight young girlies out there feel like a bit of romping with a stallion, then you can get my number from one of your friends because I probably would have shagged one of them. Ha, ha ha! No but seriously, just look for me, I’ll be out roaming the streets.</p> <p>So Mr. Anthony Blair thinks that we should go nuclear does he? What sort of bloody fool does he think he is? Does he really think that atoms can create enough energy to make things go? Look at it this way, amigos. Horses are a lot bigger than atoms and you need a good ten of those just to move that fat old thing Cherrie Blair. Could you see an atom pulling Mrs Blair around? Not at all bloody likely. In my opinion, for all it’s worth, and if I may say myself, it’s worth a damn few farthings, all those lazy bastards who hang around in their stinking flats claiming benefit should get off their well rounded arses and do a bit of heave-ho-ing for England. I would rather have twenty working class folk from Stepney pulling me into work than bloody atoms (or horses for that matter because they shit everywhere). A car fuelled by atoms? It’s the silliest damn thing I’ve ever heard.</p> <p>I was at the Elize du Rond-Point last night, necking the bellinis as one does of an evening, when some stinking little twerp approached me and started speaking at thirty words a second. Well, as you can guess I was not going to allow such cheekiness from a whippersnapper so I took out my cane, bent the little bugger over my knee and gave him ten of the best. I knocked him right into next Tuesday, don’t you know. The little bugger deserved it, talking at me and gesticulating as if he was the conductor of the bloody London Harmonic. How was I to know he was Daniel Radcliffe, the star actor in this new film Harry Potter? Am I meant to know every single face that gets plastered up everywhere and round abouts? Of course I’m bloody not. Apparently the boy’s parents want to take me to court for GBH. I shall simply say that I had the boys best interests at heart. If I had behaved like that with my father he probably would have cut my finger off with a spoon and made me wait at least half an hour before allowing me to go see matron to sew it back on. And look how I turned out. Snort, snort!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/22/opinion~328604/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-21:/2005/11/21/non_stop_boozing_will_change_lives_for_t~326360/theimposter2005-11-21T19:20:03+01:002005-11-22T14:07:48+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/favela1[1].jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> What all women look like after a few hours of non-stop boozing</p> <p>English binge drinkers look forward to a more stylish, continental lifestyle.</p> <p>New drinking laws will enable pubs to stay open for 24 hours a day. Charles Clarke claimed in a statement yesterday, "Adults can be trusted to drink responsibly. 24 hour drinking will change lives for the better."</p> <p>Jeanette Piffle, a single mother of four from Newcastle, praised the new law, “Ah’m fookin’ lookin’ forward t’ drinkin’ all night cos then ah won’t ’ave to go ’ome to the worbairns, like. Gerrem in, aaarrrgggghh!’</p> <p>Steve Pimple, a football supporter from Liverpool with a tattoo of “EVERTON IS C**TS” on his forehead, enthused, “I can’t wait fer de new law, cos when those Everton filth drink all night and pass out, it’ll be a lot easier to kick ‘em repeatedly in the ’ead.”</p> <p>But David Davis, the conservative home secretary, fumed, “ British values are being eroded away to Europe every day. If I was Prime Minister I wouldn’t allow any drinking of any sort of liquid after 11, not even water.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/21/non_stop_boozing_will_change_lives_for_t~326360/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-20:/2005/11/20/sunnis_smell_smoking_underwear~322556/theimposter2005-11-20T14:11:21+01:002005-11-20T14:12:34+01:00 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/porkpie.jpeg" border="0" alt=""><br> Has Imam been telling these?</p> <p>Imam Swishbag-Swishbag-Ul-Muesli-Bowl, a leading Shiite cleric, dismissed claims that they would exact revenge on Sunnis in the new democratic Iraq.</p> <p>He said in a statement yesterday, “Don’t be silly. We are not bitter after years of violence and repression against us. Now that we have gained power we will govern responsibly and fairly.”</p> <p>World leaders applauded these conciliatory words. In fact, some even gave them a standing ovation and demanded an encore.</p> <p>But one bystander told The Imposter, “From where I was bystanding, it looked like the Imam may have been crossing his fingers when he made this speech.” </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/sunnis_smell_smoking_underwear~322556/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-20:/2005/11/20/important_relic_stolen_from_under_russia~322523/theimposter2005-11-20T14:02:28+01:002005-11-20T14:02:28+01:00 <p> <img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/Hitler-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Hitler, with moustache still attached</p> <p> Russian Security Service is embarrassed as exhibition loses Adolf Hitler’s moustache.</p> <p> The moustache was being displayed to commemorate the sixtieth anniversary of the end of the Second World War.</p> <p> After the war, the hairy trophy was put into a vault where it was not moved until last week for the exhibition. It was kept with other prize possessions such as Lenin’s bald spot and Gorbachev’s spare birthmark.</p> <p> Vladimir Chuckyershoozyn, who did not want to be named, said yesterday in a statement from FSB Headquarters, “We are very disappointed. It defined Hitler and Nazism. We are reallocating all of our resources to finding the lost article.”</p> <p> Phillyic Willic, an expert on Nazism, believes that the burglar was working for a wealthy collector, probably a neo-Nazi, “This person will stick it onto his top lip when making speeches to his followers. It wields its own power. If he is very wealthy, which he probably is, he could even pay for it to be attached surgically.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/important_relic_stolen_from_under_russia~322523/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:theimposter.blog.co.uk,2005-11-18:/2005/11/18/prince_charles_retires_from_polos~318230/theimposter2005-11-18T18:18:25+01:002005-11-18T18:18:25+01:00 <p> <a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/101267.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/t/theimposter/img/101267_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> The Prince enjoying his favourite mint</p> <p>Prince Charles announced this morning that he had given up his long-standing hobby of eating Polos.</p> <p>In a written statement he claimed, “The sugary sweetness has been destroying my teeth for too long.” He is said to have raised more than twelve million pounds for charity in his Polos career, which stretches back to the early seventies.</p> <p>But it has not always been plain-sucking. There were calls for him to retire from eating the sweet mint even as early as his twenties when he dislocated his tongue trying to get it through the hole. And in the early nineties he had to be resuscitated when he sucked instead of blew while performing at a Charity event.</p> <p>In spite of these injuries, the Prince had always maintained that he would “keep on until his teeth fell out.”<br> The Queen is said to be pleased that her son has given up such a dangerous pastime. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://theimposter.blog.co.uk/2005/11/18/prince_charles_retires_from_polos~318230/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>